TO WHERE I AM NOW

The alarm on my phone is set for three rings, 1) To shake me out of a deep sleep, 2) A ten minutes later ring to stop me falling back to sleep and 3) Five minutes after that as a reality check, as a proverbial boot out of bed – Get up! But I’ve realized that if you need to get up for an appointment, leaving it to the last minute isn’t necessarily the best policy as it does actually take time to recover from sleeping. You’d think it was the other way ‘round. You sleep to recover from the day, but that’s not how it is for everyone. Have you ever noticed how people wake up at different speeds? Some people jump out of bed like athletes, others sloth like. Some people can’t speak, others can’t focus. Some are unsteady on their feet and some, even when they’re standing by the bed, still have their eyes closed. Some need tea, some have to wee, some need light, some need the radio on, some can’t function till they’ve cleaned their teeth, getting up is a very individual thing.

Today I woke up with the feeling of a large anvil pressing down on my head. Not a headache on the inside but a heavy weight pushing me down and making it generally difficult for my body’s revival – unresponsive limbs, my fingers stiff, eyelids like closed metal shutters – like recovering from stasis. Dragging myself like a wounded soldier from the pillow, to the floor, to the kettle, to the muesli – I found last night’s T-shirt and tried to determine the black front from the black back in the black room. Every action was a huge effort and by the time I got to my computer for the day’s first session with Tony in Sydney, I felt sick. I looked down at the screen and it was as if I was looking at it through some kind of lens that bent the image. I managed to get to the Skype page and send Tony a message, “I need half an hour before we can speak”. So I just sat there with a half-eaten bowl of muesli, a cup of tea and a can of coke. I’d taken two aspirin but my body wasn’t having it. “You’re sick today”, it told me. I closed my eyes and tried to snooze it off and in that half hour my vision became clearer, but my stomach felt sickly and I could feel that creeping dull uncomfortable haze in my head.

I called Tony, apologized for the delay and we chatted and discussed his project. For me, sitting and waiting to feel better doesn’t work. Time goes quicker when you are doing something and after that terrible history of migraines that I explained in an early essay, this was nothing. My sessioneers are so cool and evolving and learning and growing in confidence and all so clever that it’s an honour to be involved with them, I wasn’t going to let this stop me engaging. I had a little break between Tony in Sydney and Rajan in Brooklyn, but I wasn’t getting any better. But Rajan like Tony is a cool dude so we discussed his project and as with Tony, how to remove all the horrible people up onto the moon. By the time I was done I sat on the couch and listened to Wish You Were Here really quietly with Olivia making me a cup of tea and the perfect food for this kind of affliction – beans on toast. I ate it, lovingly and then drifted off till it was time for Brian in Minneapolis, but as I went to call I saw an email saying he couldn’t make it, so I switched Wish You Were Here for Tubular Bells and quietly listened and closed my eyes.

It was soon dinner time and Olivia cooked spaghetti, I finished off an already open jar of pesto that wasn’t quite enough for the pasta, but it not being so rich was probably good. We watched the last episode of After Life, I knew it was going to be sad so we watched it before an episode of the original Star Trek and my sesh with Doug in Wappingers Falls (near Woodstock). My idea was that After Life into Star Trek might be better than Star Trek into After Life on a scale of sadness. It didn’t really work out because as it happened the episode of Star Trek was pretty lame. It was the episode where a space ship had visited this planet before and inadvertently contaminated the society by making them aware of space travel when they were still in a more primitive phase of their evolution. They’d left behind a book that told of the Chicago gangster stories from the ’20s and ’30s and they used it as their bible and to shape their society. The concept, interesting, how it unfolded, lame.

By the time I came to Doug I was feeling better, not 100% but better and now as I sit here typing, listening to David Sylvian, I feel like the only cure will be another attempt at sleeping and waking.

Music today due to how I felt physically has been CD only and why not, I have lots of CDs in the archive to listen to. Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here (1975) is my go to I feel sick CD. I put it on very quietly and let it float, it always works, it’s calming without being bland.

As I was on this planet and had time for one more I picked Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells (1973), so perfectly familiar and with the same affect as The Floyd.

After Doug I put on another very familiar CD, David Sylvian’s Gone To Earth (1986). If you ever buy a CD of this album, make sure you get the double disc (2003). There’s a single disc version that doesn’t have all the tracks that are on the double vinyl, omitting four of the instrumentals. Who made that decision to cut tracks to make it a single CD on an album like this? So short-sighted, penny pinching, cheap attitude to the art. It’s another charming and warm album with three extra remixes and Sylvian’s special voice with special guests that include Bill Nelson and Robert Fripp. Disc 1 is vocal, Disc 2 instrumental. A must have.

Last but not least tonight it seemed like a good opportunity to listen to the mellow sounds of The Penguin Cafe Orchestra and their third album, Broadcasting From Home (1984). Sadly mainman Simon Jeffes died of a brain tumour in 1997 aged 48. What are they like? This from Wikipedia:

“The Penguin Cafe Orchestra (PCO) was an avant-pop band led by English guitarist Simon Jeffes. Co-founded with cellist Helen Liebmann, it toured extensively during the 1980s and 1990s. The band’s sound is not easily categorized, having elements of exuberant folk music and a minimalist aesthetic occasionally reminiscent of composers such as Philip Glass.”

Song Of The Day is the mellow Wondering from Hanging Out In Heaven (2000). It features an improvised lyric with Sister Patti Hood on the harp (who saw The Beatles – twice – in the USA in the sixties!).

 

Wondering

Well I want to tell you
Things I’ve seen
I never knew you then
I think about the things you did
I wish that I knew when
But I want to think about you now
I never left you long
Though the things you said you did
Don’t fit into this song

I’m wondering if I’ll ever see you
Wondering if I can
Wondering if I’ll ever see you
I think I will I can

Cause I’m wondering, wondering out loud
Wondering, wondering out loud

Sometimes when I think about you
Lying on your own
I still think I’m gonna love you
Gonna take you home
I still think things about you
I know I haven’t seen
Perhaps these things will come and tell me
What I really mean

But I think about you every morning
Even when you’re gone
I think about you and your heart
And think about how long

And I’m wondering, wondering out loud
Wondering, wondering out loud

But I think about you every morning
Even when you’re gone
I think about you and your heart
And think about how long

I’ll be wondering, wondering out loud
Wondering, wondering out loud

(Willson-Piper)
Hanging Out In Heaven (2000)